Daddy's Girl...

 
 
The Saturday morning sun glistened on our snow covered backyard and streamed in through the French doors in the kitchen while Neel and I sat sipping our respective latte and cappuccino from our favorite local coffee shop. Our little 4 month old sat on my lap, looking at her dad with the most loving eyes, and the biggest toothless grin. Then she began to coo and cackle and a symphony of sounds ensued. I kissed her gently on her head; she turned her doe eyes to look at me once as if to acknowledge her physical location and then went on with her laudatory tones to the father. I smiled to myself and thought, “Yup, for this child, mom is a need and dad is a want, and I am pretty sure that is how it will be all our lives.”
 
That one epiphany got me thinking on my own relationship with my father and also looking at this amazing bond a bit more closely. Later that week, I heard another very interesting aspect of this relationship from a grandmother who did an amazing job in raising her own daughters. She mentioned that usually in most cultures, the moment a daughter attains puberty or is in her early teens, her father takes a step back. The step back is not in a way of being less involved in her life but the hugs and cuddles come down and conversations are more based on academics, sports, etc. This stepping back is usually what most moms also expect because they feel this is the time they need to play a greater role in their daughter’s life. That is very true but at the same time, the security a girl has, knowing she can come up to her father for a hug just as easily she could as a child, actually forms the foundation of self-confidence upon which she emerges as a woman and the way she deals with attention from the opposite sex in her formative teen years and also later on as an adult. I started to read up on this a bit more and found several articles that referred to different studies on the topic.
 
This link had some thought provoking conclusions: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/1999/09/990927064822.htm
 
Early teens are a very interesting time for a girl. A generation ago it was totally fine for a daughter to not have a deep “heart to heart” conversation with dad, and mom was more than enough for all her needs. Today however, I don’t think that is the case. Children know and are taught a lot more. They are also exposed to such a wide variety of information that instilling a power of discretion as to what to filter, when, and how, comes from good communication with both parents. It is so important in this day and age for a child to have a balanced perspective on different issues that talking to both mom and dad is not only advisable but also quite essential. I had the opportunity to ask some of my “super-dad” friends on what they felt and thought about their relationship with their daughter? What made the bond unique? What were some of their expectations? Was it different for a son as opposed to a daughter?
 
Their responses were varied. Some of them viewed the relationship as a “tender” one when compared to that with a son, while others thought it was hard to distinguish between the two and was more based on the age and the disposition of the child in question. The one thing all dads struggle with is the ability to give their daughter the time they would like to and the time she deserves. That is a constant battle given the myriad things a father gets pulled into due to various professional and personal commitments. Without batting an eyelid, every dad I know, would agree that, he would like to spend more time with his little girl! But it was very refreshing and inspiring to see, whether it was a single dad or a father of more than one child, the urgency and love that is paramount in this beautiful relationship, came shining through in all cases as examples of fantastic parenting.
 
Just as they knew there were expectations of them, these “super dads” also had some very beautiful expectations of and aspirations for their daughters. They all wanted their princess to grow up to be a complete individual. Here are some quotes I really appreciated.
 
“To be a responsible, caring, confident person who is able to realize their inherent potential. Is that four expectations?”

“To be good human being, respectful towards all, and most of all a happy independent individual”

“Just be a good healthy person who has great balance in life. One who can love the planet and life as is defined. In the same breath, one who pushes the boundaries”
 
I went back to thinking of that morning in the sun and my little girl’s toothless grins to her dad and smiled at my own relationship with my father. It has always been a very special one but tinged with a slight air of formality. The formality in no way reduced the affection from his side or the respect from mine, rather was a result of that usual “stepping back” that happened once I was a teenager. It was expected from both sides, I guess. My father and I have always talked about different topics. He and I have had heated arguments on things over the years but my most special time with my father, and probably the first time in my life when I felt I truly connected with him was a couple of years ago. We were on the River walk in San Antonio, when he was visiting the city for a conference. I flew down to meet him and had an afternoon all to myself with him. The trip remains special for lots of reasons and that River walk was one of them. For the first time I actually spoke to my dad, without a topic in mind, without an argument, for the first time I felt my father and I were friends.
 
It prompted a few lines I wrote for his next birthday, which I think he will enjoy reading as he reads this column today!
 
“Took my first steps as you watched with pride, fell asleep as you rocked me from side to side.

Your patience amazed me the older I got, as did your anchored endurance in the myriad battles you fought.

Childhood indulgences began to mean so much more, as it dawned that your tireless hours were much more than a chore.

Pride of my youth made me argue and fight, and yet through it all, your silence helped me not lose sight,

Of all the things in this world that are good and true, my biggest blessing has been having my father in you…”
 
I hope my daughter doesn’t have to wait for 38 years to be friends with her father. I hope she is able to approach him and talk to him with equal ease about books and boys, about math and marriage. I know I will enjoy being a mom through it all, but what I will enjoy more, is "stepping back" when I need to, and watch her grow into a confident young woman who takes the world in its stride and realize, that no matter what, she can always fall back on being her “daddy’s girl.”